A childhood friend recently asked me this "Is it ok if I remain single all my life and not be married? I have a problem with trust. I don't think I can have a successful marriage."
I didn't probe further what her problem was, and I tried not to draw any assumptions what has happened in her life. Situations like this seem to be increasing every day and it's definitely a worrying trend. It doesn’t help that we keep hearing news of failed marriages and cheating spouses. However, I always believe that there’s an answer out of all this and the answer lies within Islam.
“What? It lies within Islam? Why then is the Malay Muslim community one of the biggest, (if not the biggest) contributors towards this problem?”
The reality is that many of the Muslims today are Muslims only by name. They don’t inculcate Islamic values in all or many parts of their life while in fact; we have to apply it in everything we do. If each and every Muslim truly strives to apply Islam as a way of life, this would definitely increase the chances for a happier life and more successful marriage.
Before providing her with some avenues that would hopefully help her find her way out of this, I reminded her about the basics in life as a Muslim and the single most important question that everyone must continuously remind themselves, “At the end of all this dramatic life, when we all die, where are we going? What is our true purpose of life?”
I hope that my e-mail reply to her question would help in some way. May Allah guide her and those in a similar state out of this and protect them.
Since we’re on this topic, here’s an interesting read to share. Do check out the ‘heated debates’ from the comments too. Oh How About Love (ummsofiyyah.wordpress.com)
And here’s my comment on it, just as a reminder for myself and maybe for others too.
Hm, just to share.. here’s some excerpts of advice that we can ponder about love and marriage..
“Dalam soal berumah tangga, janganlah terlalu memilih dan hanya mencari yang paling sempurna. Jika kita mahu yang paling sempurna, maka nanti apabila kita membuat keputusan untuk menerima seseorang, kita menganggapnya sebagai seorang yang sempurna. Jika rumah tangga dibina atas fikiran seperti itu, kita tidak expect sebarang kekurangan. Maka selepas berumah tangga, hanya kekurangan isteri sahajalah yang sering terlihat di mata, kerana kita menjangkakan kesempurnaan. Terimalah seseorang, seadanya. Kebaikannya disyukuri, kekurangannya diredhai”
“perkahwinan sebenarnya menggabungjalinkan antara cinta, kasih sayang, tanggungjawab dan peranan. Ada hari air pasang, cinta memainkan peranan. Ada hari air surut, maka tanggungjawab dan kematangan pula mengambil tugas.”
“Aik macam pernah dengar kata-kata di atas.. tapi di mana yah?” some might think. They are excerpts from a couple of articles at saifulislam.com.
Apart from choosing someone for their piety, for me, there needs to be other factors as well in choosing our lifetime partners. I feel, it’s up to the individual. Each has his/her own needs and aspirations. One’s choice in their future partners will be based on their perspective towards life. When they find someone who shares similar goals and outlook towards life, that person will be their likely choice.
The basics for me are like what Abu Raiyan said, “yang sejuk di mata dan penawar di hati.” That’s because I’ll live with this person for the rest of my life and at least some form of attraction and chemistry is a must for me. To be more convinced after that, that’s where istikharah prayers come in for both parties before proceeding further.
I agree to how ‘Anonymous’ and ‘Abu Raiyan’ suggested about loving someone for the sake of Allah. It is about loving him/her for their piousness and effort towards being a good Muslim and to know that both will strive for the success of the marriage based on Islamic values, constantly reminding and guiding each other towards goodness and doing their best to refrain from anything that’s bad.
With this as the basis in the marriage, along with mutual trust, patience, understanding, open communication (both being an open book to each other), respecting each other’s needs/aspirations/time and also accepting each other for who they are (not how you want him to be), this will help towards the success of the marriage, insya Allah.
Things will not be perfect in a sense that every single day will be all lovely and romantic even if we strive for this. Every situation in this life will be forever filled with trials. There will be good times and tough times. If both can understand this, then they’ll be patient and help each other to work things out whenever things turn out bad. It definitely needs a lot patience and effort.
And lastly, about Islam and the natural tendencies of humans, mutual expressions of love not only physically, but also emotionally, between married couples are definitely a must for the bonds of marriage to remain strong.
For example, the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) used to express his love toward his wives by word and deed. It is reported that `Amr ibn Al-`Aas (may Allah be pleased with him) asked the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) saying, “O Allah’s Messenger, whom do you love most, after Allah Almighty?” He (peace and blessings be upon him) replied, “`A’ishah.” `Amr ibn Al-`Aas then said, “And from among the men?” The Prophet answered, “Her father (Abu Bakr).” This hadith shows how great the Prophet’s love was for `A’ishah, and this love was well-known among his Companions.
`A’ishah (may Allah be pleased with her) said, “It would happen that Allah's Messenger (peace and blessings be upon him) would take a utensil containing food, give it to me while I was having my menstrual period, and adjure me to eat from it. Then he would take the vessel being keen to put his mouth on the same place I put my mouth on.” Of course, the Prophet did this as a kind of compliment and to let his wife feel his affection.
`A’ishah also swore that the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) used to do the same when drinking water. She would drink then he would take the utensil and drink from it, putting his mouth where she had put hers.
By doing such things, the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) intended to guide his nation as to how the relation between the spouses should be, how affection and mercy can last between them, and how the husband can talk gently and play with his wife. (excerpted from an Islamonline.net article)
Thus, I agree with your last statement in your comment about Islam and the natural tendencies of humans. (",)
And Allah Almighty knows best.
Hm, asik cakap pasal love and marriage je, tapi nikahnya tak lagi.. tsk tsk.. MACAM PAHAM aku ni.. hahah. Allah al-Musta'aan.
"O Ever Living, O Self-Subsisting and Supporter of all, by Your Mercy I seek assistance, rectify for me all of my affairs and do not leave me to myself, even for the blink of an eye." Ameen.
Anyway, here’s a few articles that we can ponder upon about love and marriage.
- What is Love? (islamonline.net)
- Mutual Expressions of Love Between Spouses (islamonline.net)
- Jodoh tidak datang bergolek (saifulislam.com)
- Erti Sebuah Perkahwinan (saifulislam.com)
- Loving Each Other for the Sake of Allah (islamonline.net)